weight of acceptance

I know this topic has been done.

I should not have to revisit this again and again, but my mind cannot let it go.

The changes that have happened within and around my body are apparently too much for my mind to comprehend, too much for my mind to accept. I keep coming back to this topic and it would appear there is no end in sight, which, while not entirely a bad thing, I am afraid it is becoming an obsession …

A few days ago I went out and bought myself a new pair of jeans. They are a size smaller than the ones I was currently wearing and I am thrilled to say that they are not the least bit tight. In fact, it’s possible that I could even go down another size, but I am hesitant to go much further than thinking such things, and I am definitely hesitant to truly contemplate such notions. How long will I keep this size? How long did I keep size 16 anyway? How long before my weight finally stabilizes? What size will I be then? … Aah! The wonders of computers allows me to know that in October of last year I was wearing a size 16 and less than a year later I am down another size.

A part of me thinks this is fantastic! To this part of me, I am amazed and fascinated that I have been able to maintain my loss of weight for more than a few weeks. I am also amazed that when my intentions are positive I actually succeed at my personal goals. But, and this is a huge but, it also means that the voices of doubt are being enormously loud lately. Every random comment about body image goes straight to my heart (I wonder if people think that about me? Does she really think I look short and fat? Good thing she didn’t know me when I weighed over 250lbs!) I will internalize these bits and ponder them for the next few hours, and if I am tired enough they will haunt me for the next few weeks. I would like to let these random comments go. I would like them to float across my body, like the wind does on a warm summer day. I am not proud of my ability to internalize everything that is said, but it is something I am aware that happens within the darkest shadows of my mind and I am trying to overcome such gross atrocities to my spirit of progression.

Due to these flagrant voices of doubt I have kept many items of clothing for far too long. There are many items that should have been given away back in October, but I told myself that I needed to hold onto them, and wear a few of them, because we could not afford for me to buy anything. Now that I have discovered that I am smaller still, it seems all the more necessary to rid myself of clothing that is too big. Currently, I have two very large bags, plus an entire tote of clothes that are too big for me. They range in size from 18 to 24, XL and XXL, 36 to 42. I should really let them go, not just a few of them, but anything that is over 14, anything that is over L and anything that is over 34.

And that’s when the voices get really loud, so loud, that my head begins to ache.

What happens if you gain some weight back? How can you possibly be thinking of buying more clothes when your drawers and closet are overflowing? Don’t you need to pay for that car repair? And you’ll need to buy some firewood soon, and what about clothes for the kids? They do tend to have a growth spurt right about now … and how the hell are you going to justify buying another size of clothes when you have no way of knowing how long you’ll be there?

And then there is another voice that says, Tanya, you just went down another size, get rid of everything that is over 34, get rid of everything that is over L, get rid of everything that is over 14. If you want a safety, keep your favorite 16s, keep your favorite XLs, but you don’t need to hold onto everything else. I know you have some favorites. I know there are items of clothing that people have given you, but they are just that, pieces of clothing. You do not need them anymore. They are too old, they are too worn, they are too big, they are no longer something you need to carry with you. It is time to let them go.