grandiose verbosity

within the past 24 hours i have had bright light shined upon the inner workings of my subconscious mind. these realizations are so new and shiny that all i can do is stare at them in wonder, bask in the glow created by the newness of their reflections and be held within their stillness and silence for just a moment before the muse takes me by the hand and pulls me into her embrace.

one of these notions of enlightenment is this: within 4+ years i have written 400+ pages on a story that has held up to the rigors of life. transitions of children beginning school for their first time, husbands going back to college for the third time, family members falling into sickness and death, disgruntled employment, unemployment, self-employment, part-time employment, all mixed in together to form this thing we call the american life, for surely this was never the dream once thought to be capable of being achieved by every american ... or is it? is this truly what the american dream is all about? is this truly all the world has in store for me?

somehow i doubt i have followed the path that had been laid out before me. in fact, from the very beginning i seem to have taken digressions and been observed to be content with the many diversions that life has to offer for those who are willing to look beyond the well-worn road and into the depths of the darkened forests and hidden valleys of past, present and future.

and as always happens in these ramblings of my conscious mind i find myself not within the space i had intended to create but in a space that i was led to, for surely i could not have imagined that i'd be sitting here, blurry-eyed and weary, when all logic and propriety would have me sleeping in my warm bed next to my warm husband as our children slumber in their beds.

yet, here i am, slightly chilled, drinking an even chillier beer wondering what the hell i am doing, especially since i've been awake since 3am, shouldn't my body want to sleep by now?!

you would think so! and even i would have thought so and i did make the attempt but as soon as my body was relaxed enough to make rest possible the muse took hold of me, placed ideas and thoughts and possibilities into my head and now i find myself here.

since this is not an unfamiliar place for me to be at this hour, of this day, during this week, i am mostly comfortable within this space of time, but a part of me wishes i could turn this off long enough and fast enough for my mind to rest when my body rests ... just a small part though, which is obvious since i wouldn't be writing this if my body had its say and i wouldn't be writing at workshop, and for that matter i wouldn't be writing anything at all if my logical brain had a say in the matter. after all sitting at a computer typing away the hours of a weekend only leaves long lists of things to do which go unfinished and pages and pages of unpublished works that elongate into the nether regions of my mind as quickly as my fingers can fly across these keys.