eeek!

There really is no point to this, but it would appear that my mind will not let things go these days: I need to bitch, and I fear it is not the productive kind of bitching, wherein once it occurs you feel purged of your angst and can move on to be a productive member of society.
No, this bitching, is more of the kind wherein once you start, you cannot stop and going forth will only exacerbate the issues, rather than solve anything …
Is it then possible that the best thing I could do in this moment is NOT write???

voices

The shrill voice

of my mother

can be heard,

wandering through

the realms of memory,

a fleeting notion

to be held

onto the prime meridian

of my divine soul

I wish there was

some way to make it stop

I wish there was

some way to drop

Out of this cycle,

out of this motion

Of recollections

too painful too ignore

Not wanting to explore

More than what has been seen

In the eyes of yesterday’s dreams

16 - 2 = 12

You would think that after a year of changing shape that I would be used to it, but my mind is once again having difficulty with comprehension, and thus I turn to tossing it all out onto the page.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that my pants were once again too big, so this morning I went out and shopped. Upon a friend’s suggestion I went in with two different sizes. One 14P and the other 12P. I opted to try on the 12P first, telling myself all the while not to be disappointed if they were too tight because it would still mean that I went down one size, but wonder of wonders they were not too tight! They fit perfectly! While this drop in size should not have been so shocking, especially since I knew my current pair of cords (size 16P) were too big, I am still surprised that I have gone down two sizes in less than a year, and I am amazed that I can now wear a size 12 in comfort. Wasn’t it just the beginning of last month that I was reluctant to even think such a thing?! And now, at the end of this month, I am out doing it??? (Perhaps I really am as crazy as my mother once proclaimed!)

I cannot even fathom how long it has been since I have worn such a size, perhaps over 25 years? Definitely over 20 years. The oddity of this change is that there has not been a significant loss of weight, in fact, I am 5+ pounds heavier than I was just 3 months ago. The only reasoning I can fathom as to how this change in my body continues to occur with such frequency is due to my current employment, and the fact that said employment requires me to walk up and down flights upon flights of stairs on a daily basis. It has been months since I made a daily count, but regardless of their number, those stairs are obviously making a difference given the evidence of this most recent change.

Along with this line of thought brings about such questions as:

How much more will my body change? When will it stabilize? Should I consider purchasing a scale to keep track of my loss? … While I do not know the answers to the first two questions, the last question is a definite NO! Absolutely no good can come of that! I’ll take the sporadic weigh-ins at friends and relatives houses thank you very much!

If I was the paranoid type I’d begin wondering if there was something wrong, but since I have other people wondering that for me, then it seems redundant to wonder it myself. And when one considers that my husband has also lost weight, then the cause behind such occurrences may be due to a lifestyle change, rather than any personal physical abnormality on my part.

When one considers all of the above, it would also appear that my current job has been a vast improvement from any other that has been held, at least for my physical well-being. The irony of this is that it holds all the same frustrations as my previous employment, and I do wonder if the Fates are playing yet another trick on me and twisting the ironic sword in my side just a little bit more than is necessary.

Indeed, one might think me delirious if one knew I went into this job with the intention of finding another within months. The sad truth of it is, that my previous job was to be temporary as well.

It’s been over 10 years since I began my journey into the world of natural foods, herbs and supplements – will I be there for 10 more? 15? 20? Eeeek! That is a very scary thought! Run away! Run away now!

life, books and horror

Time and time again I am amazed at my life. I look at the ages of my children and think: did that really happen to me at that age? did I really have to do that when I was so young? How on earth did I ever survive my childhood? Where did I find the strength to continue on to another day?

While I was not completely on my own for these events, I always knew I was the odd one out, the black sheep if you will, and therefore any attention that was garnered was usually in the negative. Truth be told, I do not know where my strength to survive came from. I did take comfort and support in a few relatives that were present on occasion, but since those people were there on occasion, and not with me for the day to day, they were not to the constant that kept me afloat. The only constant in the equation was me.

During much of this time I dove into books, in truth, I devoured them. For years my afternoons were spent at the library. By the time I was at the end of my junior high years, I had read through the entire adult horror section and was beginning to wonder where I could possibly go from there. Shortly thereafter I moved to a different town, a different school and suddenly there was a whole new selection of books to pour over. Most of the books I read during this time were for classes, but almost all of them were enjoyed, and in many cases they were finished before the assigned time.

Then, when I was beginning to grow bored of the classics I met my husband and he introduced to me the world of fantasy. I was amazed at the selection of fantasy novels out there! There were so many to choose from! I still feel like I have not put a dent into them and there are so many more books coming out every year that I am almost feeling overwhelmed with the plethoria, but I’ve always liked a challenge and think I can make my way through a few new authors within the next few months.

As the season changes, and summer’s warmth dwindles there is nothing more comforting than curling up under the covers and reading a good book!

the tales we tell

Peter, peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and could not keep her, put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well …. Ok, ok, I’m all for the macabre and grotesque, but do we really want to be exposing our children to this sort of thing? Peter did WHAT to his wife?
How do you think he was able to keep her in a pumpkin shell?
I’ll tell you this: pumpkins do not grow that big in New England and if she was his wife, then she was at least 15, so she was not nearly as small as you think she was and she surely would not have fit into any vegetable shell without taking an axe to some part of her body – really people?
Think before you tell these stories to your children! For shame!

supreme chaos

chaos reigns supreme
as we follow
the beat of the drum
wondering if now
the world will end
or will it just turn
as it always has
towards the dawning
of a new day
bringing forth
new light upon the graves

question answered

A question you wish someone could answer:

Why in the name of all that is good in this world does chaos come to me in sets of 3?

Chaos comes to me in sets of 3 because there is a divinity of the trinity present in everything I do.

maiden, mother, crone,

life, death, rebirth,

are held within,

they take hold

beneath my skin,

and make me

the fourth element

to hold their divine truth

for all the world to see,

that there is a rhyme, reason and resolution

to all events,

that there is an answer to the problems you see,

and without the occurrence of these adhering philosophies

there would be no fire, no water, no earth.

All must be present

for the world to turn

once more on its axis.

And this is why

chaos must come to me

in sets of three,

to hold the world together

long enough to turn

once more around the sun.