my lack of patience is getting on my nerves.
this ineptitude of long-suffering understanding is decidedly too much for my weary form to uphold and i have reached my limit of social indignities, repetitive insults and languid glances of inadequacy. i will not tolerate them any longer than it takes for me to walk out of the room, i will not tolerate them any longer than it takes me to end the phone conversation and my replies to any email suggesting that i have been unwilling or ungracious enough to decline a request to be within your presence will be met with bold truths and bright words that shine light upon the shadowed tangled web of your mind's eye.
i will not tolerate the twists and turns you lay before me any longer than it takes for me to brush away the traps you've set within your strands of half-truths and subtle innuendos.
i will continue down this path i have chosen.
my patience is at it's end.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
palindromic age
recently i had a birthday.
i am now living within the 33rd year of my birth.
usually at this time of year, as the anniversary of my birth has come to pass, i take a look and review the events of the past year, and occasionally i've been known to even go so far as to update the synopsis of my life that i began to write when i was in high school. the reasoning behind the synopsis of my life was not a narcissistic endeavor, but the result of a creative writing assignment given to me by my english teacher and i have this crazy notion that once you start something, you don't let it go without a good reason. and since the only reason not to update the synopsis is laziness, or perhaps apathy, i'll keep it going for a few more years yet.
since that time, now over 15 years ago, i find that my birthday, rather than the turning of the calendar year, is also the time when i'm ready to evaluate the past and make goals for the upcoming year, so here are my year's resolutions:
i am now living within the 33rd year of my birth.
usually at this time of year, as the anniversary of my birth has come to pass, i take a look and review the events of the past year, and occasionally i've been known to even go so far as to update the synopsis of my life that i began to write when i was in high school. the reasoning behind the synopsis of my life was not a narcissistic endeavor, but the result of a creative writing assignment given to me by my english teacher and i have this crazy notion that once you start something, you don't let it go without a good reason. and since the only reason not to update the synopsis is laziness, or perhaps apathy, i'll keep it going for a few more years yet.
since that time, now over 15 years ago, i find that my birthday, rather than the turning of the calendar year, is also the time when i'm ready to evaluate the past and make goals for the upcoming year, so here are my year's resolutions:
- i will allow myself time to write outside of workshop, whether it be for personal results (like blogging or journalling) or time to work on the story i began 3 years ago, i will set aside time to write and/or time to type what was written in workshop into the computer when deemed necessary and relevant to blog/story
- i will go out for a walk, or a bike ride, or a trip in the kayak, or work on the farm at least once a week
- i will bring our children outside with me for at least one of the above endeavors
- i will drink more water
- i will stretch out my body when the muscles begin to tense, rather than letting them get tighter and tighter until it hurts to move them
- i will forgive myself if any of the above cannot be met each week
- i will ....
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
weird dream last night
i quit working at the co-op and got an office job. from the job description it appeared to be a secretarial position with amazing benefits, but within my first shift i learned the truth.
the organization was harvesting images from your memory, every image from the past 10 years was harvested and you had the option of loosing all of those images/memories, or having them replaced by company generated images.
within seconds of learning this i quit. the boss, upon learning that i was quitting, told me that if i deposited any amount of money that had been given to me by the company into my bank account, then i would be theirs forever. i decided to give back my day's pay, but the boss left before i could give it to him, and instead of following the boss back to his office i went back to my room in the dorm to pack my things.
before i began packing up my the things that i brought with me, i went over to a set of shelves and grabbed a few pieces of sliced meat which were among the groceries which i had just bought to bring home to my family. as i was eating the slices, the new girl, the one that would replace me, was sitting on the bed next to my storage space and she told me that the meat was not roast beef alone, there was human mixed in, that's why the color of the meat was so red, you can't cook human meat well enough, it always looks like what it is,
dead muscle.
i stopped eating the meat immediately and began to look at the rest of the groceries that were on my shelves. i soon realized that everything i had bought was made by the company, or made for the company, everything on the shelves had their logo on it, and now, not only could i not bring home my day's pay, i also could not bring home any of the food i had just bought, lest i contaminate my family with unknown substances, or even human-known substances.
i left all of my groceries on the shelves above the bed and began packing my sleeping bag, pillow and clothing, making sure to pack only items that i had brought with me. as i was packing i asked the new girl if she'd give the boss back my day's pay. she answered, "no", and i then asked her for the boss's cell phone number so i could call him and make an appointment with him to give it back. she gave me the number and when i called the boss, he invited me and my husband to a party.
i was very skeptical about attending, but we went. this was the only time since quitting my job that i had seen or spoken with my husband, and while amidst the party i had to tell him that i quit my job, the reason why i quit, and not only did i loose a day's pay, but all of the groceries i had just bought for the week were contaminated, i couldn't bring home anything from here. i tried to do this covertly, but the party was small and chances were high that everyone had overheard me. strangely, during the time of our conversation, my husband had little to say and just kept eating. he was completely focused on his food and did not utter a word, or even glance at me as i spoke to him. i was just about to say something to him about this, like: "didn't you just hear what i was saying? are you listening to me? i don't have a job! i can't accept my day's pay! i can't bring home the week's worth of groceries i just bought! we're totally screwed!"
however, it was at this moment that the boss chose to begin the presentation.
the guests gathered around two tables and two young women got up and laid down on top of them. the boss poured a white viscous liquid over the core of their bodies, it looked like elmer's glue, but once on their bodies the liquid began to move and spread, covering the entire length of the body, every piece of hair and every tip of toes and fingers, everything was covered.
somehow i knew that once their body was completely covered, the white liquid would devour them, shrivel them down to their bones.
the boss was saying something about how wonderful this was, that these women were choosing to be beautiful young sacrifices, how glorious this was and ... it was at this moment that i chose to leave. i couldn't bear to watch this happen and did not hear the rest of the boss's words as i began to make my way through the standing guests, towards the sliding glass doors, on the opposite side of the room. on my way to the doors there was a woman behind me that said the space outside was called "the shrieking fields".
a moment before i walked out of the doors i grabbed a white towel from a stack that was on a shelf near the door and then headed outside. there was a patch of grass in front of rows of wooden benches, the benches forming a semi-circle within the grass, like a waxing crescent moon. as i walked out into the patch of grass i was wiping my hands on the white towel. i had noticed a small bit of the white goo had gotten on the tips of my fingers. apparently it had gotten on a few of the other guests as well, because now all of them were outside, standing within the grassy patch known as "the shrieking fields".
one of the guests suggested we roll in the grass to get the white goo off and all of them began to do that. before long there were patches of the white liquid covering the blades of grass and i noticed that almost every blade of grass was surrounded by the white viscous liquid. there was no where within the shrieking fields that was safe, there was no where i could step without touching the white goo and risk becoming contaminated further.
(it was at this point that i woke up fully and my conscious mind took over and began asking questions: could i jump/climb over the wooden fence? or were we too far above ground? maybe i should climb over the fence and let myself fall regardless of the height? is the only way to rid oneself of contamination by stripping off all clothing and shoes? if i were to do that, it would be best do strip only after jumping/climbing over the fence, otherwise the white goo could get on my bare feet and then things outside this place would be contaminated and that would be terrible, even more terrible than what had just been done and if i am jumping/climbing over i should bring along an extra towel or two, just in case a stray bit of the white goo remains ...)
the organization was harvesting images from your memory, every image from the past 10 years was harvested and you had the option of loosing all of those images/memories, or having them replaced by company generated images.
within seconds of learning this i quit. the boss, upon learning that i was quitting, told me that if i deposited any amount of money that had been given to me by the company into my bank account, then i would be theirs forever. i decided to give back my day's pay, but the boss left before i could give it to him, and instead of following the boss back to his office i went back to my room in the dorm to pack my things.
before i began packing up my the things that i brought with me, i went over to a set of shelves and grabbed a few pieces of sliced meat which were among the groceries which i had just bought to bring home to my family. as i was eating the slices, the new girl, the one that would replace me, was sitting on the bed next to my storage space and she told me that the meat was not roast beef alone, there was human mixed in, that's why the color of the meat was so red, you can't cook human meat well enough, it always looks like what it is,
dead muscle.
i stopped eating the meat immediately and began to look at the rest of the groceries that were on my shelves. i soon realized that everything i had bought was made by the company, or made for the company, everything on the shelves had their logo on it, and now, not only could i not bring home my day's pay, i also could not bring home any of the food i had just bought, lest i contaminate my family with unknown substances, or even human-known substances.
i left all of my groceries on the shelves above the bed and began packing my sleeping bag, pillow and clothing, making sure to pack only items that i had brought with me. as i was packing i asked the new girl if she'd give the boss back my day's pay. she answered, "no", and i then asked her for the boss's cell phone number so i could call him and make an appointment with him to give it back. she gave me the number and when i called the boss, he invited me and my husband to a party.
i was very skeptical about attending, but we went. this was the only time since quitting my job that i had seen or spoken with my husband, and while amidst the party i had to tell him that i quit my job, the reason why i quit, and not only did i loose a day's pay, but all of the groceries i had just bought for the week were contaminated, i couldn't bring home anything from here. i tried to do this covertly, but the party was small and chances were high that everyone had overheard me. strangely, during the time of our conversation, my husband had little to say and just kept eating. he was completely focused on his food and did not utter a word, or even glance at me as i spoke to him. i was just about to say something to him about this, like: "didn't you just hear what i was saying? are you listening to me? i don't have a job! i can't accept my day's pay! i can't bring home the week's worth of groceries i just bought! we're totally screwed!"
however, it was at this moment that the boss chose to begin the presentation.
the guests gathered around two tables and two young women got up and laid down on top of them. the boss poured a white viscous liquid over the core of their bodies, it looked like elmer's glue, but once on their bodies the liquid began to move and spread, covering the entire length of the body, every piece of hair and every tip of toes and fingers, everything was covered.
somehow i knew that once their body was completely covered, the white liquid would devour them, shrivel them down to their bones.
the boss was saying something about how wonderful this was, that these women were choosing to be beautiful young sacrifices, how glorious this was and ... it was at this moment that i chose to leave. i couldn't bear to watch this happen and did not hear the rest of the boss's words as i began to make my way through the standing guests, towards the sliding glass doors, on the opposite side of the room. on my way to the doors there was a woman behind me that said the space outside was called "the shrieking fields".
a moment before i walked out of the doors i grabbed a white towel from a stack that was on a shelf near the door and then headed outside. there was a patch of grass in front of rows of wooden benches, the benches forming a semi-circle within the grass, like a waxing crescent moon. as i walked out into the patch of grass i was wiping my hands on the white towel. i had noticed a small bit of the white goo had gotten on the tips of my fingers. apparently it had gotten on a few of the other guests as well, because now all of them were outside, standing within the grassy patch known as "the shrieking fields".
one of the guests suggested we roll in the grass to get the white goo off and all of them began to do that. before long there were patches of the white liquid covering the blades of grass and i noticed that almost every blade of grass was surrounded by the white viscous liquid. there was no where within the shrieking fields that was safe, there was no where i could step without touching the white goo and risk becoming contaminated further.
(it was at this point that i woke up fully and my conscious mind took over and began asking questions: could i jump/climb over the wooden fence? or were we too far above ground? maybe i should climb over the fence and let myself fall regardless of the height? is the only way to rid oneself of contamination by stripping off all clothing and shoes? if i were to do that, it would be best do strip only after jumping/climbing over the fence, otherwise the white goo could get on my bare feet and then things outside this place would be contaminated and that would be terrible, even more terrible than what had just been done and if i am jumping/climbing over i should bring along an extra towel or two, just in case a stray bit of the white goo remains ...)
Monday, July 12, 2010
coyotl
Coyote walks among the branches, he hears the whispers on the winds and speaks among human and animal alike. He watches from the shadows, reads between the lines of what is said and what is heard and he could always tell you the difference, but he will never tell you for to tell would be to forgo the lesson you were meant to learn and all your wanderings would be for naught, untold secrets lie among the shadows and hide among those branches of every day life.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
the farm
plow the fields,
sew the grains,
pray for the rains
to come after the noon
sun shines bright
in the morning
as dawn's early light
glints along every leaf
and blade of grass,
each one becomes jeweled
and shining now
that a new day is dawning
and another night has come to pass.
plow the fields,
sew the seeds of hope,
pray for the rains
to come wash over the land
and shower the heavens
with lush exuberant life,
bring forth the grain
and cull the harvest
fruits of our labors.
plow the fields,
sew the sets of last season,
pray for the rains to come,
shower the land with gratitude
and ask for forgiveness,
be patient,
be kind,
and allow time
to capture the rays of light
and bring them
into dawn's early light,
holding close
the warmth of the season
to be your only reason.
sew the grains,
pray for the rains
to come after the noon
sun shines bright
in the morning
as dawn's early light
glints along every leaf
and blade of grass,
each one becomes jeweled
and shining now
that a new day is dawning
and another night has come to pass.
plow the fields,
sew the seeds of hope,
pray for the rains
to come wash over the land
and shower the heavens
with lush exuberant life,
bring forth the grain
and cull the harvest
fruits of our labors.
plow the fields,
sew the sets of last season,
pray for the rains to come,
shower the land with gratitude
and ask for forgiveness,
be patient,
be kind,
and allow time
to capture the rays of light
and bring them
into dawn's early light,
holding close
the warmth of the season
to be your only reason.
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